Regrets, I've Had a Few

Written By: Mel

Question: Was there ever a time in your life that you got away with something you wish you hadn't? Tell us what it was and try to explain your feelings.


When I first read this question I dismissed it as it not pertaining to myself, after all in the relationship I share with my partner Bobby I hold the role of Top. I had thought to draw it to Bobby's attention, but I know everything that boy has ever tried to get away with and wished he had, and I can guarantee he wouldn't have anything to report here. As a matter of fact as I am writing this my young lover is sitting on a very sore bottom, while hunched over the kitchen table writing 'I will never use the snow covered roof as a toboggan jump again’ two hundred times.

However as I sit here supervising my contrite partner's writing, my mind wandered back to a time ten years ago before Bobby came to share my life. I was a resident at Riverside Hospital and in a relationship with a man who would remain my life long friend, but our life as lovers was short lived.

Paul was born mature. I have little doubt he was instructing his mother on proper diapering techniques before his first birthday. For me the desire to take charge and lead in a relationship grew with time. When we were together, Paul was the Top and I, not having learned the control that would later come through the firm application of Paul's hand to my butt, was the Brat.

Residency for anyone who has never done one is a both physically and mentally challenging experience. Paul and I were both going into Family Practice and were doing a rotation in the ER that winter. Paul was very driven and worked hard to keep both himself and me on track. I had taken more than one of his blistering spankings on the subject of getting enough rest when we were off duty. I won't go into long boring detail with you but suffice it to say when Paul and I were on opposite shifts instead of sleeping when I should I got into the habit of going out for a bit of fun with some of my friends. It took little time for this partying to catch up with me and I found myself facing 24 hours of on-call duty after having been awake for the previous twenty hours. The ER was filling up fast and I could barely keep my eyes open.

I made a decision that I still regret to this day. I wrote myself a prescription for amphetamines to give me a boost. Oh you're right if you're thinking this was not exactly kosher practice, but I was foolish enough to believe that I could handle it, especially since I wasn't a user and certainly ‘knew’ what I was doing, after all ‘I’ was a doctor and trained in these things. I cannot believe how arrogant and stupid I was.

I downed the pills with enough coffee to float a boat and took on practically every patient that came through the door. It was the middle of a miserable flu season, that along with a multi-victim M.V.A. (motor vehicle accident) and a load other assorted illnesses and injuries it was one hell of a busy day. But I was super doctor and there was no stopping me. About half way through my shift I began to feel the let down that comes when amphetamines wear off, so of course I rationalized myself into taking just a couple more to finish up the shift.

There was a point where it was quiet and of course I was encouraged to use the doctor's lounge to nap while I had the chance. But I was too wired to sleep and spent the time buzzing around the ER doing everything from charting to sweeping up in the trauma room. Less than an hour before the end of my shift, I was again feeling the let down of the drug wearing off.

A distraught mother arrived then with her four-year-old daughter who had taken a nasty fall and broken her arm. The child was in obvious distress and a great deal of pain. Typically I would have given the order for analgesics to the nurse and she or he would administer them, but it so happened that it was the middle of shift change for the nurses and the child would have had to wait a few minutes. Being at the end of my tether and not wanting to hear this child's crying go on, I went to the med locker myself and drew up the analgesic into a syringe. By the grace of God, Gloria Murphy R.N. and angel extraordinaire, walked in as I was doing this. She knew I was exhausted from the 24 hour shift and offered to help. I asked her if she would give the child the shot while I talked with the mother. Gloria is nothing if not a consummate professional and she would give no drug without checking it first, most especially a narcotic for a child.

As I was turning away she reached out and grabbed my arm firmly. "Dr. Brooks, I believe you may want to rethink the dosage for a four-year-old."

I looked at her rather haughtily and took the syringe from her hand and studied the contents. My stomach clenched. Tthere was enough Demerol in that needle to numb the pain of a grown man. I could have killed that child.

I barely made it through the end of that shift and wanted nothing more than to fly into Paul's strong arms and bare my soul; even knowing that it would earn me a paddling I would feel for days.

As I walked in the door of our apartment, ready to face what I had coming, I could hear Paul's beautifully accented voice talking. He was in the kitchen leaning heavily against the wall his face ashen and a tear was slipping down his cheek. "I know, Mum. I'll be home on the first flight I can get. I can't believe it. I love you too." He hung up the phone and looked at me with such sorrow in his eyes. His father had had a massive coronary infarction that morning and he died before reaching the hospital.

I never had the heart to burden Paul with my guilt and have carried it with me all these years. Although it wasn't long after that, Paul and I grew to know our relationship wasn't meant to be. We were first and foremost friends and have remained such. We entered into medical practice together and the first thing I insisted we do was to hire Gloria Murphy R.N. to run our office for us. She never once said a thing about that moment in the ER. She runs that office with an iron hand and is the only person I know who can tell Paul to bugger off and get away with it. LOL

I am very lucky man to have found a partner with whom I hope to share the rest of my life. I hope my own beloved Brat never feels the kind guilt I have born over this.

David Brooks M.D.

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